I felt like a man again

Back in 2017 I found myself getting more and more angry with work and my life in general; in my view I was becoming less fulfilled and I started to question if it was all worth it.

One day, I went in for my shift as usual and felt OK but once at work I basically had a complete melt down! I saw a manager face to face where I cried for an hour while pouring my heart out. Once I had composed myself I was asked what I wanted to do and it was at this point I realised that I needed some help.

I went for counselling sessions and underwent EMDR therapy that was organised by the Trust that I work for. I’m a very open minded person and knew that I was there to get help but at one point I did think “what am I doing here? What a load of shit”! That said I persevered and thankfully, following a diagnosis of PTSD (after many traumatic and touching jobs), I’m pleased and proud to say I came out the other side.

I believed all was now well and I knew how to deal with anything life could throw at me; that was until I became unwell in May 2019 with a cardiac problem.

I’d been finding shift work more and more difficult in the months leading up to this point (especially night shifts) and my tiredness and fatigue were on another level.

It was 10^th May and I was on a day shift where I woke up and I really didn’t feel at all well, very dizzy and lightheaded and when I tried to get ready for work I was really short of breath. My wife was really concerned and wanted to call an ambulance but this is the last thing I wanted! Anyone who works in the ambulance service never wants an ambulance for themselves!

I formatted a plan in my head that I would get myself into work and get my crewmate to run a full set of observations on me as well as an ECG but this is where it went a bit pear shaped.

I was bradycardic (slow heart rate) with a heart rate of 40 – 45 beats per minute which is why I was experiencing the symptoms I described. I was taken to hospital in my own ambulance by my own crewmate which was very surreal!

When we got to hospital I was taken into the resuscitation room and although I knew I was feeling crap going into resus made it quite real now. I’m now the patient and listening to my crewmate do a clinical handover to the consultant about me was quite scary let alone being cared for by the very nurses that I see on a daily basis and even socialise with; a weird feeling.

I was then admitted to hospital where I spent 6 days on the Coronary Care Unit (CCU) with 24hr monitoring, following lots and lots of ECG’s, blood tests and having an implantable loop monitor inserted into my chest I was discharged being told that it was just stress and I just needed to rest and all would be OK.

Once home I continued to feel much like I was when I was admitted to hospital. This went on for many months as my cardiologist didn’t feel there was an issue despite my lowest recorded rate being only 27 beats per minute!

I was off work for so long my pay was reduced to half, I started to feel anxious about money, paying the mortgage and quite worthless. I was unable to do most things around the house, simple things that we all take for granted such as showering was very difficult and made me really breathless.

I was off work because I couldn’t drive due to my lightheaded and dizziness but also my blue light licence had been revoked as I had a ‘cardiac’ problem and I had to be 3 months symptom free before getting that back. My employers even asked “Do you think you will ever get back to work?” which made me feel so sad.

My appointments with cardiology continued and they kept sitting on the fence as to what was wrong. I was becoming more and more frustrated and angry as nothing was being done. Time went on and I started doubting myself and my clinical knowledge.

Was all of this in my head? Surely my cardiologist can see that I’m not making this up? My confidence was at an all time low. My heart rate was now getting lower too. It was dipping to the low 30’s when sleeping and I’d now developed an irregular rate as well.

As each day passed I felt myself becoming less and less interested in things and I basically just sat as I couldn’t do anything due to my symptoms. I felt that I wasn’t able to provide for my wife of 32 years, I was becoming more argumentative and knew my mental health was slipping back to how I had been previously. I was scared, lonely and felt that I would have to end up leaving the job I love all because I was unwell and that nobody was listening to me.

My waistline was getting bigger due to my inactivity and even this was starting to make me think that I was no longer good enough for my wife and that she’d be better off with someone else. I cried, quite a lot, I was giving up. I should have reached out but I didn’t, I was becoming more and more insular.

Another appointment with my cardiologist came and they wanted to refer me to a different cardiologist at Papworth. I didn’t want to go, I couldn’t be bothered, my fight had gone and my mental health was now screaming at me “there’s no point”, but, with persuasion from my wife I agreed to go. Deep down I knew it was the right thing to do but mentally I was thinking it would be the same outcome and they wouldn’t believe me because I’m a nobody.

The day came to go to Papworth, the consultant called me in (and my wife), he viewed my notes and within 2 minutes the words that came out of his mouth changed my life forever, he said “why haven’t you been given a pacemaker?”

I can’t tell you how this felt! I literally held my hands up in the air and said “thank you, someone has listened to me, thank you”. The weight that came off of my shoulders in that split second was immense, I felt euphoric!

I could now see a future back at work, life could go on and we could holiday again but most of all I could continue to care for my wife (who has MS) and I felt like a man again.

I had my pacemaker fitted on the 12^th November 2019, a date that I will never forget, a date that I became me again.

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