I had to commit to getting better

I wanted to write about my mental health journey here, and realised that it is less of a journey, but more so a commute. I tend to avoid talking about journeys, because that often means that you start at one point, end at another point and the journey is over. 

The journey is far from over, mental self care is an ongoing everyday thing, and this is something that I feel strongly about when it comes to male mental health. And like a commute, it is hard work sometimes, but like a job, it pays dividends to my quality of life in the same way a job pays me money. 

About fifteen years ago, I was diagnosed with skin cancer. It was a battle that carried on over a number of years which I managed to overcome. But it left me with some interesting mental side-effects, not to mention the physical ones. 

The most notable side-effect was a dramatic increase in my anxiety levels. Now I look back, I see instances throughout my life that were actually panic attacks, the fully immersive feeling of sheer panic, often over small imagined problems.

About eight years after I was first diagnosed, I started to realise I needed to address my mental health when an insignificant incident sparked my first panic attack at work, and in other ways it was starting to affect my day-to-day life as well. I couldn’t sleep properly; I was constantly stressed; I was depressed; I had lost weight; the list goes on. 

During my panic attack I rang my manager, who calmly suggested that I speak to my GP about the state of my head and it was at that point that I realised I needed to seek some sort of help. I was lucky to have a line manager who was compassionate and professional, and who was genuinely able to talk about difficult subjects, like mental health, without judgement.

During my appointment my GP talked to me about things that might help including Mindfulness, which I had never heard of before. He suggested that I start with CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), and to see where it took me.

I didn’t get on with CBT, and upon reflection, mentally I wasn’t ready for it. I realise now that I had to commit myself to getting better and I also spent much time feeling there wasn’t anything really wrong with me.  I didn’t fully understand how my anxiety really affected me, and after a change of job, it subsided to the point where I felt “hey I’m back to normal, I’m fine!”

You can see where this might be going.

But as I see now, I wasn’t fine, far from it. This was only the beginning of working through a difficult set of emotions, thoughts and feelings that would emerge each time I was faced with a stressful or difficult situation. I knew I needed help, but CBT didn’t feel like the answer.

The word ‘Help’ is an interesting term here, because often, certainly with anxiety, everyone is slightly different in terms of what can actually help. Some of us need medication, coupled with other forms of treatment, and often some of us will need medication for X period of time. My GP firmly stated that he did not want to put me on medication, and I was happy not to be either.

Like the Black Dog analogy that is often used to personify depression, I like to see anxiety as a dog of sorts. Everyone who suffers from anxiety will deal with it differently, and most people who try and tame their anxiety will employ different methods.  For some, tying it up outside works a treat, where others will find that they have to change its diet and let it out in the garden a bit more to pee.  Not that I endorse tying dogs up, metaphorical or literal.

For me, my step to mastering my anxiety was discovering Mindfulness, and as many of my friends will confirm, I read everything I could, watched all of the YouTube videos, subscribed to all of the newsletters. And discovering it really did help, but I still had a lot to learn.

I reached a milestone after reading ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckart Tolle. Before I started the book, I was worried that my Anxiety Dog just snatch it from my hands, chew it up in the corner, and not accept the wisdom within.  But thankfully, instead it wolfed it down and didn’t taste the medicine hidden inside.

Within this book Tolle introduces the concept of being present with the current moment. He also introduced the concept of observing your emotions and feelings which is tough to do at first, but also not to identify with the mind’s inner-narrative.  This was tough to start with. It took me even longer to be able to give myself permission to actually recognise what I felt, and to accept how certain situations made me feel. But as soon as I was able to separate my inner voice from the reality of a situation, I immediately started to feel calmer.

After I read this book, I put it down and thought, “Great! I’ve learnt so much, I am sure I’ll be fine now” As I write this and I think back, I internally facepalm.

Another book that helped me significantly was Matt Haig’s ‘Notes on a Nervous Planet’ which looked at many things about anxiety, but also how our modern lifestyle (social media, the media etc.) is making us much more anxious. The book is in short chapters, often using humour effectively and without feeling as spiritual as Tolle’s writing.

I read this book, but realised something afterwards – that I had to persevere and that mindfulness was a continuing process, not something that you learnt and forgot. Like any skill, being mindful takes practice.

The godfather of Mindfulness is Jon Kabit-Zimm who pioneered a lot of research into the medical and mental benefits of mindfulness practices that had been developed as part of Eastern Philosophies like Taoism and Buddhism, and there are a plethora of online courses you can undertake that will teach you how to be more mindfully aware.

But one thing I have found particularly helpful, is talking. Us men are rubbish at talking problems through. We’re really good at internalising and storing problems up, but often not problems that need to be talked through.

The Anxiety Dog needs constant training. It needs to be walked everyday, and when it goes for a walk, it needs obedience training. It never really learns, it’s not very intelligent but if you forget to walk it then it will easily forget everything you taught it, and it’ll most probably poo on your floor. Metaphorically.

Finding ways of coping with anxiety can be a process of learning, identifying elements of your own thoughts and behaviours, adjusting them, and repeating. ‘Rinse & repeat’ was never more true with applying and mastering mental wellbeing.

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