My journey has broken me
I joined out of a drive, perhaps a naive understanding, that there was a shared conscience, a camaraderie, a desire to do the ‘right thing’.
My journey has broken me.
I’ve been repaired; I’ve self-repaired; I’ve put sticking plasters on; I’ve sought longer term solutions; I’ve not been the same piece of porcelain that I started out as and I’m under no illusion that I never will be.
I’ve seen the ‘usual’ stuff. The old lady in the flat who was deceased for three days with her dog inside; it had been hungry and the sight that greeted me is indelibly marked on my mind.
I’ve done the adrenaline fuelled fights, come out thinking “what if?” What if I’d have fallen over?, what if I’d have missed the knife?, what if there wasn’t just that person in the flat? All sorts.
I’ve witnessed and been subject to bullying and even absolute malfeasance at the hands of colleagues but there’s no comeback for them; there’s no pathway to say “I’ve been wronged!”
Wearing my uniform still makes me proud; it makes me proud to be a cop, makes me proud to say “I serve”.
My work ethic is ridiculous! I work too long, too hard for an organisation that has chewed me up and spat me out, and will undoubtedly continue to do so. I hear people slating the Blue Light Network and always intervene, I’m proud to represent our group and help, signpost, whatever you wish to call it.
I think I could deal with the external stuff; I hope I could. I was always quite robust but my experiences since the day I joined have changed me unequivocally. I’ve never been stalked before; I have now. I’ve looked to my colleagues, my brothers and sisters for help, and I’ve found my calls fall on deaf ears. I’ve recognised that there’s no merit for hard work; you’re only as good as those who are prepared to tell you you’re not.
It probably saddens me to say that it’s not the external stuff that’s hurt or damaged, it’s the internal. The sniping, the self-serving individuals who never sought to go to the lengths I have, through their own lack of pride, or perhaps their more reasonable approach; “there’s no requirement to go over and above, so why would I?”
I don’t doubt that I’ll heal and be back to the same old me again.
I’ll try to forget the ill treatment.
I’ll try to sleep soundly.
I’ll try to wean myself off the tablets that stop my lows becoming so low.
I’ll stop questioning “why me?”
I’ll stop wondering what I’m going to walk in to.
I’ll stop questioning my worth.
I’ll stop being a victim of my own expectations.
I’ll learn that no matter who I am, in some quarters, I’m nothing, so why should I try to become something?
Anon, Serving Leader
