Birthday Blues

I wasn’t going to write this because it’s a bit of a depressing read but I want to talk about birthdays and why they’re so shit for so many of us aka The Birthday Blues.

It’s my birthday next week and just as it comes by on the same day every year, so do the anxieties and feelings of dread I have in the run up to it. And whilst I’ve got used to them being a bit shit and everyone in my life has got used to me being a Victor Meldrew about it, I was surprised to learn this year that there’s lots of us that don’t like them either.

Lots of (new) friends have been asking how I am and when I’ve shared that I feel a sense of dread and sadness about my impending day, they shared that they don’t much like birthdays either. That they take the day off work to avoid the stream of trite birthday wishes and emails. Or they don’t acknowledge or celebrate them at all because birthdays remind them of difficult times in their lives. Or that they’re alone.

It’s a bit of a vicious cycle for me. I’ve spent so many years not celebrating them that, now we’re still in lockdown and I currently live alone as my housemates have isolated elsewhere, I’m not sure what feels worse; the thought of it passing by without acknowledgement or people acknowledging it and highlighting that I’m alone for another year.

Social media is great for connecting but it’s been hard to watch videos and see photos of people experiencing lockdown birthdays with loved ones feeling the love through acknowledgements, cards and presents knowing so many of us won’t receive them because we’re spent so many years avoiding them or, given the events of this year, we just feel too despondent about them at all.

But it got me curious; why do so many of us not like celebrating or even acknowledging our birthdays? Why do so many of us avoid them entirely or dread their impending arrival?

The pressure

Much like Christmas, there’s a tonne of pressure put on birthdays to be or look a certain way. We may even put pressure on ourselves meaning we may get disappointed if we don’t receive the amount or kind of love we expected or gifts that we wished for. This is certainly true of young guys these days. Lads night out or day with the girlfriend? A walk in the woods with your dog instead of acknowledging the day itself?

Birthdays are just a day and we can celebrate them (or not) however we want. It doesn’t make us miserable fucks, it just means that we don’t necessarily view it as anything special which is particularly true the older we get. Once you pass 21, the only ‘real’ celebrations are the end of decades which bite for their own reasons; no more 33 & 3/4 for us!

I have lots of friends but not in a group. A friend here and another there that wouldn’t naturally lend themselves to all being in the same room together and there’s always that fear that if we invite people, they won’t turn up. I can think of many of us who have had shitty birthdays because of that very issue regardless of our ages.

Am I unloveable?

Sure, when you’re 7 years old, everyone’s throwing you love the moment you bound down the stairs in your PJs and the world feels completely centred around you. But when you’re 47, you’ll likely barely have time to open any cards on your way to work and you probably don’t plan on dong anything special save for a nice meal out. At some point, people just stop making a fuss or effort to make us feel loved even on what many consider to be a special day.

The excitement goes and we’re reminded we’re another year older and the disappointment that can bring. The problem of spending years downplaying birthdays or not celebrating them is that they our allow inner critics to tell us we’re unloved which is a vicious cycle to acknowledge and break. This is particularly difficult if we’re alone, maybe due to a relationship breakdown (or not being in one) or, for many different reasons, being away from our friends and family when we’re usually with them.

Expectation of accomplishments

Much like New Year (which I fucking detest with a passion!), our birthdays are reminders that we’re a year older and therefore allow the possibility to remind us of what we may not have achieved since we vowed we would at last year’s birthday. Whether it was abs in the gym, a change of job or finally walking away from a bad relationship or marriage, our birthdays are a sometimes painful opportunity to look back on our previous year(s) and that can be pretty shit.

This is particularly true of milestone birthdays which often force us to look back on our lives and what we’ve achieved (or haven’t) which isn’t always the most comfortable of feelings on what ‘should’ be a happy day. Sometimes the expectations of what we’d hoped to have achieved by a certain age weigh us down far more than other peoples hopes and expectations for us.

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So what can we do?

Remember that it’s just a day and the Birthday Blues will come and go. I tend to feel them for around a month leading up to my birthday and by the time the ‘big day’ comes, I try and ignore it as best I can usually by distracting myself with work or trying to have as normal a day as possible.

Have the day that you want. If you want to celebrate and be made a fuss of, tell you friends and loved ones or if you want to be left alone, tell them that. Be strong with your boundaries if people push back with their expectations of what your day should look like to them.

Feel however you need to. We don’t really ‘do’ feelings do we guys but just as it’s important to have the day you want, it’s okay to feel however you want too. Sometimes we’re stuck with shitty emotions – I spent my 30th suicidal – and I kept telling myself what a fuck up and failure I was for feeling the way I did on what should have been a ‘good’ day. Not helpful or kind to myself but sometimes we’re out own worst enemies.

Treat yourself! Whether you reward yourself for getting through the day or just need an excuse to buy something you’ve been wanting for a while, do it! It doesn’t have to be expensive or cost anything at all because maybe your treat is taking the day off work to just relax with your family or prioritising some alone time with your guitar instead of the kids.

The Birthday Blues aren’t fun but it’s just a day and like all days, it will pass.

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